Escaping
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Dreading going to work is so emotionally exhausting.

I escaped, went to Buffalo for two days. It was great. But now I'm back facing the reality of my existence, and it sucks.

Ugh. I want to feel happy.


Deutschbag
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Germany and German fans, I want you to feel pain. Lots of pain. Only pain.

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Brazil
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Brazil are out of the World Cup after losing 7-1 to Germany. Seriously, WTF.
I have also lost my will to live.

What a fucking shitty summer.

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WHY MUST I LOSE WHEN I WIN
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I AM SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE SHIT EVERY WEEKEND. I WAS HAPPY, HAPPY FOR A GLORIOUS HOUR AND A HALF AND THEN...SOMETHING HORRIFIC HAPPENED. WHY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THEM GET WHAT THEY WANT. THEY CAN'T GO OUT LIKE THIS. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY, PURE AND SIMPLE. EXPERIENCE HAPPINESS WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO SADNESS. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
PLEASE. PLEASE.

THESE PAST FIVE WEEKENDS HAVE BEEN THE WORST IN MY LIFE. I JUST NEED EVERYTHING TO BE RIGHT AGAIN. IM SENDING YOU ALL MY LOVE AND PRAYERS.


(no subject)
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I think I'm getting high on feeling low.


Oh man
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Today, I got an email saying my insurance claim was paid off-great news. Finally I can put that incident behind me, right? WRONG. I lose 5$ on the street as it fell out of my pocket, I had a feeling it would. JUST LIKE I HAD A FEELING SOMETHING WOULD GO WRONG THAT NIGHT. Mother of god. Can't I be unequivocally happy for one full day without something happening to ruin my mood? Oddly enough, I burst out laughing when I realized I lost it, quickly turned to tears. But you know what, it could be worse. I hate that I have to resort to that argument, but really guys, life is fucked. Like, shit happens ALL THE TIME. And once you realize that and embrace it as a reality of your existence, it really is liberating. I hate this summer. It's been horrible really, leaving home, living here, that stupid job. Realizing I have another year of this shit to deal with and the fact that I'll have to apply for citizenship next year and find a job and deal with, well, LIFE. Ugh. It's hard to stay positive, and I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD. AND IT HAS BEEN GOING SO WELL. Whatever, hope whoever finds the five bucks uses it for something nice. HAHAHAH PLEASE LET ONLY GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO ME.If anyone, anyone at all is reading this, things will be ok. You just have to keep the faith. And sometime, sustaining hope is the bravest thing you can ever do.

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You must be somewhere in London
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Tears are streaming down my face. I want to move on, please let me move on.

I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing. I just want to not exist.

Please let me move on.


Unpredictable
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Three weeks ago, I made a series of stupid decisions, all in a period of 6 hours which led to the most horrifying moment of my life. The two weeks following that has been the most frightening period of my life. I'm not ready to type it out, I don't think I ever will be. I'm fine, but I came close to throwing away everything I've ever worked for. It really is a miracle I'm not lying dead in a ditch.

My Dad has asked me to move on me not talk about it all. I'm trying to, I really am, but my mind keeps wandering back to that night.

Things find you when you need them to find you, and Shaq's letter to his daughter found me at an opportune time. Here is an excerpt: "Be resilient. You will be knocked down. Sometimes, you will be knocked down harder than you could imagine. But it is there, at the point you feel your lowest, that you will find who you are. You will see the strength of all the generations that have come before you. You will be astonished by how prepared you are for a moment that you could not have predicted. You just have to give yourself a chance to amaze."

I'm proud of the way I've handled it. I want to thank everyone involved that kept me alive that night. Thank you. May angels lead you in.


In the city that we love
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Guys whose names start with an R will will always fuck me up. How long will it take me to learn that. I can't get you out of my mind, Rohit, so I sincerely hope you feel the same. I hope I'm not just a notch in your bedpost, and you're not just a line in a song. Let's meet, when we are moths in Tibet.

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Graduate School
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"Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though we pass them by today,
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun."

"Home is now behind you, the world is ahead!" – Gandalf

"The world is not in your books and maps, it’s out there" – Gandalf

Today I leave for grad school. A new beginning, a challenging one. I'm scared I won't live up to expectations, there's so much riding on me, my family is spending so much on my education, I really hope I don't let them down. I hope I get more funding as well and find a job to help with some added expenses. It's a bigger city, the stakes are higher, I don't want to crumble. Now is my time to be clutch. I hope it's not a lonely journey, I really hope I can make some fantastic friends along the way to help ease me in.

I don't want to waste my potential. I want to be going places, I want to thrive. And I damn we'll will try my best.


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