As I typed in the subject line, I was reminded of the Nada Surf Album 'The Weight Is A Gift'.
'Always Love', a song from that album has an opening lyric which goes "To make a mountain of your life is just a choice."
It's what my life has come to lately, the weight - or more accurately, the wait - and the massive toll it is taking on me - emotionally and mentally.
You see, I am waiting for a piece of paper that legitimizes my status as a human being in another country. We have these politically and socially constructed boundaries that reduce human beings to barcodes, to commodities that can be exploited on whim, without the slightest remorse.
For the last few weeks, I have been paralyed with fear, crippled with anxiety, as I am rendererd helpless, waiting on a faceless human being to decide on my future. I really have no idea what the next few weeks of my life will look like.
For the longest time, the uncertainty was thrilling, it really was. The fact that my entire life for the past 7 years has fit into two suitcases and lugged around the world was enthralling on so many levels. On the other hand, the fact that I have had no stability for some of my formative years is terrifying. To this day I cannot visualize what my future will look like - professionally, financially, emotionally, geographically.
I have to be patient. My life is not bad, by any means. I am choosing to make a mountain out of a molehill, because I am impatient. I have to realize that I will find myself in numerous circumstances where I am not in control, and I have to be okay with it, because I have no other choice.
No other choice. I can wait. I have waited. Now I wait some more.