I've moved.
Moved to a new apartment by myself.
The whole move went off very smoothly, considering how much I've accumulated.
I was also very emotional. The last place gave me so much: helped me heal, got myself three jobs, watched my team win the treble.
I don't know what kind of luck this place will hold or how long I'll be here.

I keep repeating Jack Canfield'a quote: "Everything you want is on the other side of fear."

I'm living by myself for the first time. I am scared. I've always been used to people living around me, hearing their voices, their movements, their lives.

While the silence is welcome, it can be unnerving. I get back to work tomorrow and it'll be different, coming back to a new place. For the first time in almost four years I craved human company. It feels weird having only yourself in a house.

I keep asking my parents to come visit. I don't want to be isolated, yet, I turn down almost every social invite. I am strange.

Here's to new adventures, new memories, and new lives!

It's like a...never-ending stress fest. Here I'm thinking, oh cool, I got a new job, time to settle in a bit.

BOOM! Gotta find a new place ASAP. Like, what next? I need a fucking vacation.

Just had a mental breakdown because I can't for the life of me remember a password.

Hum Pardesi Ho Gaye
There was this Hindi TV serial I used to watch with my parents and grandparents when I was younger: Hum Pardesi Ho Gaye.
My grandfather called it the "passport serial" because the male protagonist takes the female lead's passport away just as they check in at the aiport. The lady's uncle, who sees this, finds this very suspicious. Turns out this too-good-to-be-true guy is an adulterer. The lady, all alone in the USA, has to deal with her new surroundings, all without any mental or emotional support.

The theme song of this show is just brilliant. Something that manages to touch all the right chords in your heart.

I think of this serial the day before I start a new phase - my new job. I chose to start on my father's birthday, and I hope it will be auspicious.

I am scared, I am anxious, I am excited. It's weird being this far away from my parents. I miss them terribly, but I don't let it on - I can't stand the thought of them worrying. I feel so disconnected from reality, terrified that one wrong step can bring it all crashing down. I've survived worse, but the fear keeps me awake.

Tomorrow I begin a new journey. I hope I grow from the experience, I hope I learn lots, I hope I make friends that can last a lifetime, and I hope I feel challenged yet, comfortable.

As always, I end every last post before a new phase with a J.R.R.Tolkein poem:

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."

I'm 9 hours away from turning 25.

I am alone in another country.

I am unemployed.

I am sad.

I haven't had sex.

I am alone.

Welcome to 25, you've certainly made a mess of it.

Hide away
Make that job rejection count to like 3.

Got interviewed four times for them to decide I am not a good fit. Oh well.

This is the summer of misery.

I want to be employed before I turn 25.

I also want for my interviewer to stop posting pictures of food on Instagram and get back to me about my writing sample. Get back to me with some positive news. Thanks.

Hide and Seek
"The day Lena returned from Greece to nothing and no one..."
Page 239 of Sisterhood Everlasting.

Eerie parallel to my life. I too, returned to nothing and no one. Sure, I have roommates, but... I had nothing to look forward to, except my future, and that is undecided as well.

The past two summers have been agonizing. It's like I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't bring myself to even try because I'm so scared I'll fail.

"When we argue for our limitations, we get to keep them."

I may be forced to leave this house, I don't know. I don't have a job as of yet. I may not be able to get a new house until I prove I have a job. Owksjahsjaavj

I just want...things to fall into place.
I'm tired of breaking down every now and then.

All I do is win win win
On the cab ride home.
I'm nervous, optimistic. Most importantly, I'm not overcome with dread.
I'm excited.

Take me to the finish line...
"There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after." - J.R.R.Tolkien

I'm lost and I'm found
Funny how a loss in the sporting world can bring you so much perspective.

It physically aches to see Barça lose. It hurts to see them so fatigued. This team has given me too much joy to be sad. I have no business being sad. Same goes for Rafa. He's given me too much to invest any faith in him.

Same thing goes for my personal life. I quit my job because, in my heart of hearts, I knew I'm meant for bigger things.

I hope I can find a new job quickly. A great one, one that challenges me and makes me happy. I have overcome too many challenges and sailed too high to not believe I can get my act together ONE MORE TIME.

As I typed in the subject line, I was reminded of the Nada Surf Album 'The Weight Is A Gift'.
'Always Love', a song from that album has an opening lyric which goes "To make a mountain of your life is just a choice."

It's what my life has come to lately, the weight - or more accurately, the wait - and the massive toll it is taking on me - emotionally and mentally.

You see, I am waiting for a piece of paper that legitimizes my status as a human being in another country. We have these politically and socially constructed boundaries that reduce human beings to barcodes, to commodities that can be exploited on whim, without the slightest remorse.

For the last few weeks, I have been paralyed with fear, crippled with anxiety, as I am rendererd helpless, waiting on a faceless human being to decide on my future. I really have no idea what the next few weeks of my life will look like.

For the longest time, the uncertainty was thrilling, it really was. The fact that my entire life for the past 7 years has fit into two suitcases and lugged around the world was enthralling on so many levels. On the other hand, the fact that I have had no stability for some of my formative years is terrifying. To this day I cannot visualize what my future will look like - professionally, financially, emotionally, geographically.

I have to be patient. My life is not bad, by any means. I am choosing to make a mountain out of a molehill, because I am impatient. I have to realize that I will find myself in numerous circumstances where I am not in control, and I have to be okay with it, because I have no other choice.

No other choice. I can wait. I have waited. Now I wait some more. 


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